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It is hard being a parent. It is hard being a Christian parent. It is hard being a homeschool parent. The combination of all three overwhelms me at times. Especially the Christian parent part. I realized that I really don't know what I am doing with this parenting gig. I have been a parent for almost 21 years and while I have learned a lot along the way, I by no means have this "down." I am still very much winging it.
Between being married, being a mother, being a homeschool teacher, and being a college student - I pretty much want to rip my hair out most days. I am looking for peace. Is that too much to ask? Apparently, it is. God obviously wants me to learn something. A lot of somethings. I cannot teach my kids to do something I am unable to do. We have conversations about self control, but I don't do a very good impression of someone who exhibits self control. So now what? I guess we could work on it as a team, but it is pretty hard telling my kid I am less than perfect. Especially my teen, because he already thinks he knows more than me!
I don't think there is a book out there or any one or two ideas that are going to "work" to fix parent/child relationships. Honestly, change is hard and if only one party knows it needs to change, and only one party is interested in changing it is even more hard. My husband is pretty much on the same page as me, but we have our moments. We have only been more "in sync" for about the last three years, so that is a lot of years of bad habits and bad examples bestowed upon our kids. Trying to undo damage that was done, is not fun, and it is not easy.
Humility is a hard thing. I don't like being embarrassed, but embarrassed is what I am. I am embarrassed that at age 40 I still don't "have it together." Surely, I am not the only one struggling with life.
Things I really want to change about myself:
- Stop yelling. Speak calmly and rationally. I don't want to be "mean." (Noodle has told me more than once that I am "mean." :(
- Practice self control - in the areas of yelling, eating and not speaking everything that comes to mind. Actually, I have come a long way in not speaking everything that comes to mind (or posting it all on Facebook - HA!) I keep a lot to myself, and now I would like to get to the point where I can stop thoughts before they get carried away. I don't need to focus on what is wrong with the world and other people. I have my hands full with what's wrong with ME.
13 comments:
I have the same issues, are we related? My son doesn't like when I put my hair up because he says it makes me "meaner".
Thank heaven for God's grace and forgiveness. One thing I've learned about yelling is if what sets me off is really that important then let my son pay the consequences so I don't have to.
It may seem harsh, or negligent, but if my son doesn't put his clothes in the laundry, do his school work, or pick up his things I will NOT do it for him, or yell about it. If he can't find something, is uncomfortable in bed because he didn't make it then he must deal with the problem.
I've been so concerned with "taking care" of him that he hasn't been able to learn to care for himself. The more I let go, the more he has the opportunity to fail and learn in a safe environment. Consequences and punishment under our roof is much better than if he has to learn it later. It's easier said than done, but let go and let God really works.
Bless you Mary, and thank you for your honesty.
Oh Mary. I am a reformed screamer! It is possible. I don't ever yell anymore, and haven't really in years. For me, it all started when I walked down the hall one day, heading toward my older two (when they were little), ready to lay into them. I caught a glimpse of the look on my face in the bathroom mirror. I stopped dead in my tracks. "Is this what my kids see when they look at me?" Yes, it was ... all the time.
I was in the middle of a little class at church called "Stress Less". The thought that hit me in that moment was, "So many things cause me stress. How much stress am I causing my kids?" A lot. The changes HAD to start with me. I had to stop being so angry and short and jumpy and STOP RAISING MY VOICE! I had to. And, when they weren't stressed by me anymore, they seemed to not stress me anymore.
One of the tips in Stress Less was to play worship music. Really, it's impossible to yell at someone when you are worshiping. Play it all day, quietly, if you have to.
I also use my "Teacher voice". You know the one, the one that teachers use with their kids ... that kind of high pitched voice. And, I say "please" a lot ... "Could you go get your reading book, please?" or "Please don't do that."
And, here's a funny one. Sometimes I pretend that "Supernanny" has a hidden camera in my house and she's watching me. I try to imagine what she would say to me if she saw how I was acting toward my kids. I always imagined she would tell me that their behavior was MY fault. And she would have been right.
You can do this Mary. It all starts with you.
Lynda- What wisdom in letting the kids suffer consequences! Thank you for that.
Nicole - THANK YOU. I think I need to go look at myself in the mirror next time I am ticked. I like the idea of playing the music all day. I need to figure out how to get music on my phone so I can stick an earbud in one ear while I go about my business.
Thank you so much. I am feeling more and more like I can do this.
Wait, mama...are you sure you weren"t doing an article on me? Yelling is my biggest struggle, too...and I, too, feel helpless to stop it some days! It is horrible and I am *not* setting a good example for my babies. And when I hear them speak to each other the same way it just kills me.
Surely we can figure this out!!
Baby steps are still steps! I love the idea of playing inspirational music in the mornings. Extend it. Play it all day! You're definitely on the right track. Having a clear goal is the first big step. And you are many steps past that. If I had one word of advice, it would be to not judge yourself too harshly. Be patient with you! Include your kids in your goals. They are happy to help. Take it both ways. Help each other. I think you have a noble goal. You will get there! Baby steps.
C.S. Lewis said, "You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream." Through prayer and Christ's strength, you can do this! Your heart is in the right place and your behavior will follow eventually, though it won't be easy because these things don't come "naturally." I understand!
I think the praise/worship music is an excellent idea. I just told my husband last night that I notice a difference in my attitude when I listen to it daily. It is definitely calming and uplifting. Another idea is to post scripture verses on the fridge (or other prominent place) that encourage you. Like "With God, all things are possible" or "We are more than conquerors through Christ" or "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." If you read these often, maybe they will come to mind first when you feel like yelling.
As far as the Prairie Primer question on my blog, I don't think it's too "girly" at all. I know lots of women who are studying it with their boys, too. "Farmer Boy" is one of the books included and I think most boys really like that one. There are all kinds of fun activities included, like wood carving and such, that appeal to both boys and girls. There is a Facebook group for Prairie Primer that you could join to ask more questions and read how the study goes for moms with boys there. I know you would get some good advice from them! =0)
hooo boy.... I need to work on those things too. Great post. Very real - and encouraging. 8-)
Praying for you
I have so struggled with this issue, as well, and am really working on having a more cheerful disposition no matter what is going on. It is quite the challenge, this is for sure. I will pray that all of us will be successful in this area, for our childrens' sakes, as well as our own! Many blessings, Lisa
I am not a yeller, but if I raise my voice with the kids, but 2 year old says, "Mommy, you scared me!" It's actually kinda cute. :) I just prayed that the Lord with give you grace and strength to overcome this.
I love the idea of playing worship music in the mornings so that you start your day off with a good frame of mind. I'm going to steal that idea -- I'm not a screamer, but I've been spending far too much of my days upset/worried/stressed and I know it affects the whole family.
It took me a long time to stop yelling. And it is easy to regress. Yelling is easy. Change is harder. I will pray for you.
I noticed you are on MyFitnessPal. I am too. If you would like to be fitness friends, I would like that. My weight is up/down, down/up, repeat. Exhausting. MyFitnessPal name is ModestMama.
I come from a family of yelling, too. My husband does not. He taught me how wrong it was. But at times I forget myself.
Nicole LOL about the SuperNanny cam!
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