It is hard being a parent. It is hard being a Christian parent. It is hard being a homeschool parent. The combination of all three overwhelms me at times. Especially the Christian parent part. I realized that I really don't know what I am doing with this parenting gig. I have been a parent for almost 21 years and while I have learned a lot along the way, I by no means have this "down." I am still very much winging it.
Between being married, being a mother, being a homeschool teacher, and being a college student - I pretty much want to rip my hair out most days. I am looking for peace. Is that too much to ask? Apparently, it is. God obviously wants me to learn something. A lot of somethings. I cannot teach my kids to do something I am unable to do. We have conversations about self control, but I don't do a very good impression of someone who exhibits self control. So now what? I guess we could work on it as a team, but it is pretty hard telling my kid I am less than perfect. Especially my teen, because he already thinks he knows more than me!
I don't think there is a book out there or any one or two ideas that are going to "work" to fix parent/child relationships. Honestly, change is hard and if only one party knows it needs to change, and only one party is interested in changing it is even more hard. My husband is pretty much on the same page as me, but we have our moments. We have only been more "in sync" for about the last three years, so that is a lot of years of bad habits and bad examples bestowed upon our kids. Trying to undo damage that was done, is not fun, and it is not easy.
Humility is a hard thing. I don't like being embarrassed, but embarrassed is what I am. I am embarrassed that at age 40 I still don't "have it together." Surely, I am not the only one struggling with life.
Things I really want to change about myself:
- Stop yelling. Speak calmly and rationally. I don't want to be "mean." (Noodle has told me more than once that I am "mean." :(
- Practice self control - in the areas of yelling, eating and not speaking everything that comes to mind. Actually, I have come a long way in not speaking everything that comes to mind (or posting it all on Facebook - HA!) I keep a lot to myself, and now I would like to get to the point where I can stop thoughts before they get carried away. I don't need to focus on what is wrong with the world and other people. I have my hands full with what's wrong with ME.